The Quiet Tax

There’s a moment I keep paying for.

It’s the end of a hard week, we’re approaching a deadline and we’re getting ready to ship. I can already see the bug. It’s not a bug-bug, it’s the kind that eats trust. A small truth that seemingly only I can see. This plan won’t work. The alignment is off. The scope towers over what little capacity (and appetite) engineering have left. We’re about to close the week on smiles and promises that will both break after the weekend.

I feel it itching in my gut. The tiny friction of a sentence I don’t want to say and no one wants to hear. The sentence forms in my mind, “This isn’t going to work.”. It moves to my mouth, but I roll it up and swallow it back down. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it will all be fine. Maybe it’s better left unsaid. I leave the meeting having said nothing. I’ll pay the quiet tax.

The quiet tax doesn’t feel like much in the moment; but it compounds. It’s the act of not speaking up, of not pushing back, of letting things slide. Those small moments left unsaid, which turn into larger moments, then turn into catastrophes. All because we didn’t speak up and say the hard thing in the moment that mattered.

The hard thing is rarely clever, eloquent, or groundbreaking. It’s dull, brief and obvious. It sounds like:

• “We don’t have the capacity.”
• “We’re solving different problems.”
• “This doesn’t align with our goals.”

It’s not a speech, it’s a door. You open it and a draft of honesty fills the room. It’s not about being right. What follows is either agreement or disagreement, but either way, it’s discussion.

How to say the hard thing

There are some rules to follow when saying hard things. Saying them out loud is better, but saying them so they can be heard is best.

1. Use your inside voice

Stay calm, collected. You’re pointing out a truth that others may not have noticed. You’re not campaigning against injustice. Theatrics are often met with more theatrics and conversation breaks down. Keep it civil.

2. Get to the point

Say what you need to say, then shut up. Don’t over explain, don’t fluff it up, and avoid the temptation to slap it in a compliment sandwich. I prefer my bad news gluten-free.

3. Own your part

Say, “We” not, “You”. “We are not aligned” lands much better than, “You are wrong”. It reframes it as us against the problem, not us against each other. We’re looking for healthy discourse, not blame.

4. Close the loop

You’ve said the hard thing, you shut up and listened, now close the loop. Don’t leave the meeting until you are aligned. At worst, schedule a time where you’ll get that alignment. If you leave it unresolved, you’ll still have to pay the quiet tax.

5. Don’t overthink it

Saying the hard thing the right way is preferred. Not saying the hard thing because you’re trying too hard to think of the best way to say it, leaves it unsaid. Ronan Keating is wrong; you say it best when you say anything at all.

Psychological safety

There’s a counter argument, and it sounds reasonable, Psychological safety. As if safety and honesty sit at opposing ends of a seesaw and saying the hard thing threatens this safety. This is backwards. Safety is not the absence of discourse, it’s the presence of trust. Minor discomfort delivered honestly will be forgiven long before the pain of a hard truth left unsaid.

The hard thing is not hard because it’s mean. It’s hard because you have to be the first one to say it. To spend a little bit of your credibility so the team can buy clarity. That’s leadership. Pay the quiet tax less. Say the hard thing sooner. Leave the room lighter, and clearer, than you found it. What’s the hard thing you need to say today? How can you avoid paying the quiet tax?